Articles:
Sexual Intimacy
The Do Tell Hour aka The Cocktail Hour
Sexual Intimacy
According to Hollywood we should be having hot and satisfying sex with our significant other all the time without hesitation or complication. Aside from the jokes that are made about why IT doesn’t happen, there is very little out there that describes sexual intimacy in realistic terms.
Sexual Intimacy is just an extension of emotional intimacy. If the emotional connection between two people is strained it eventually shows up in their sex life.
When you think about it, sex is about becoming “naked” and vulnerable in a very personal way. Through sex we touch, kiss, breath, allow, reveal and open up! When we first meet all of this seems easy. It is an intoxicating, yummy time in a relationship. It is the ROMANTIC PHASE. Inevitably, this phase gives way to what I have labelled THE POWER STRUGGLE PHASE. During this stage sex changes. It is often used as a tool for advancing agendas, withholding, and anger. It is also the reason many couples seek therapy....one or the other of them presenting “lack of sex” as their main complaint.
As a therapist, I am always aware that if a couple is struggling in this arena they are struggling in other ways....communication, emotional distancing, co-dependence, distrust, hurt or some “rift” in their relationship.
Here's a link to a great article on Sexual Touch:
http://sexuality.about.com/od/spiritualsex/ht/sexualtouch.htm
Therapy Dialogue:
Client: She never wants to have sex anymore.
Therapist: What do you think is going on?
Client: I don’t know. When I ask her she doesn’t really say much.
Therapist: Would you be willing to ask her right now?
Client: Honey, I don’t understand what’s happened to our sex life. It’s like you just aren’t very interested anymore?
Spouse: I’m not. I don’t why. I’m just not as interested as I used to be.
Therapist: When did you start to lose interest? Do you remember?
Spouse: I guess things changed when he started getting mad at me.
Therapist: How does he show you he’s mad?”
Spouse: He gets this look on his face. Then his voice has a “tone” to it that is really intense. He’ll start to yell at me and starts telling me what I’m doing that makes him angry.
Therapist: What happens to you when you perceive him as angry?
Spouse: I don’t know...I just want to get away. I don’t feel like I can stick up for myself. He seems so BIG then. And I just want to get away.
Therapist: How do you get away?
Spouse: I don’t feel like I can. He follows me around the house trying to get me to fight with him. I just hate it.
Therapist: So you don’t really get away.
Spouse: Right. Eventually, he gives up and gets really quiet....but it’s an angry quiet. Then I feel terribly guilty, but I still don’t want to engage with him. I’m always afraid he’ll just get angry all over again.
Therapist: What’s it like to hear her describing this experience with you?
Client: It’s painful. But it also makes me kinda mad. I feel like she’s trying to make me the bad guy. I get mad because I can’t get her to talk to me about anything! She tells me I’m always angry even when I’m not. That just makes me angrier!
Therapist: How does that work...getting angrier.
Client: I know... it doesn’t work. I just don’t what else to do.
Therapist: Notice that we started talking about your sex life and have ended up talking about your communication styles and their impact on each other. Do you see this isn’t about sex. It’s about safety and trust.
Client: So what do we do?
Therapist: It seems clear that your spouse doesn’t feel safe. It’s really hard for some people to feel safe around anger.
Client: Oh I know that one. My dad was always getting angry with us about something.
Therapist: And now you’re the one getting angry.
Client: I never thought of it that way. I just feel angry sometimes.
Therapist: There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry. How you communicate that anger is crucial. Do you remember what your father used to do?
Client: Well, he’d yell and chase us around. He had this look! We called it the “Evil Dad Look.” It was scary as hell. We knew that if he caught us we would get it. He would bring out the belt.
Therapist: Do you see the similarity between what your dad did to you and how you express your anger with her?
Client: Well, I never hit her.
Therapist: That’s a good thing! But there’s still anger “flying” around. Right?
Client: I guess so. But she makes me so mad sometimes.
Therapist: I understand. But you have to realize that she can’t MAKE you mad. That’s how you react. You actually learned that from your dad. It scared you as a kid and it scares her now.
Client: Okay. But what about her?
Therapist: She comes next. But you’re first. Anger trumps everything. That may not seem fair, but that is the truth. You need to show her that you can control your temper. That you are in charge of your anger and it’s not going to come out all over her. That creates the safety that she needs to come forward more in the relationship. Do you understand?
Client: I guess if I think about my dad and how I felt it makes sense. I just don’t want to feel like the bad guy.
Therapist: Then don’t. Anger doesn’t make you BAD. It is a signal from inside of you that something isn’t working for you. Learn to pay attention to what isn’t working for you before anger builds up. Anger is a continuum. It starts somewhere at one end as mild annoyance and then moves to frustration and eventually rage. It is easier to manage annoyance. Once you hit rage you’ve probably been emotionally hijacked and there’s no turning back. You probably have complaints that need to be expressed. But expressing those respectfully requires control and skill.
Client: But that’s just it. She doesn’t like it if I complain.
Therapist: Once you’ve spoken “your truth” with respect then it is up to her to respond. That’s about her coming forward. Your complaints aren’t the problem. It’s the anger being expressed. That’s what you have to work on.
Client: I can do that.
Therapist: How does that sound to you?
Spouse: That sounds great. I would be sooo happy if he wasn’t get angry at me all the time.
Therapist: Do you think maybe you’re angry at him?
Spouse: Probably. I just don’t feel it most of the time.
Therapist: Withholding and withdrawing are forms of anger. We call that passive-aggression. It’s aggression that is expressed in passive ways. It is usually a learned response from childhood. Were you around anger as a child?
Spouse: No one ever got angry in my house. Well, occasionally my mom would have a melt down. She would go in her room and slam the door.
Therapist: What did everyone do when she slammed her door?
Spouse: We’d all just go into our own rooms and be by ourselves.
Therapist: So that felt safe?
Spouse: Yeah, it did. I guess that’s what I do now too when he gets angry.
Therapist: Makes sense doesn’t it?
Spouse: It does.
Therapist: Good. Now we are on our way.
Sexual Intimacy is just an extension of emotional intimacy. If the emotional connection between two people is strained it eventually shows up in their sex life.
When you think about it, sex is about becoming “naked” and vulnerable in a very personal way. Through sex we touch, kiss, breath, allow, reveal and open up! When we first meet all of this seems easy. It is an intoxicating, yummy time in a relationship. It is the ROMANTIC PHASE. Inevitably, this phase gives way to what I have labelled THE POWER STRUGGLE PHASE. During this stage sex changes. It is often used as a tool for advancing agendas, withholding, and anger. It is also the reason many couples seek therapy....one or the other of them presenting “lack of sex” as their main complaint.
As a therapist, I am always aware that if a couple is struggling in this arena they are struggling in other ways....communication, emotional distancing, co-dependence, distrust, hurt or some “rift” in their relationship.
Here's a link to a great article on Sexual Touch:
http://sexuality.about.com/od/spiritualsex/ht/sexualtouch.htm
Therapy Dialogue:
Client: She never wants to have sex anymore.
Therapist: What do you think is going on?
Client: I don’t know. When I ask her she doesn’t really say much.
Therapist: Would you be willing to ask her right now?
Client: Honey, I don’t understand what’s happened to our sex life. It’s like you just aren’t very interested anymore?
Spouse: I’m not. I don’t why. I’m just not as interested as I used to be.
Therapist: When did you start to lose interest? Do you remember?
Spouse: I guess things changed when he started getting mad at me.
Therapist: How does he show you he’s mad?”
Spouse: He gets this look on his face. Then his voice has a “tone” to it that is really intense. He’ll start to yell at me and starts telling me what I’m doing that makes him angry.
Therapist: What happens to you when you perceive him as angry?
Spouse: I don’t know...I just want to get away. I don’t feel like I can stick up for myself. He seems so BIG then. And I just want to get away.
Therapist: How do you get away?
Spouse: I don’t feel like I can. He follows me around the house trying to get me to fight with him. I just hate it.
Therapist: So you don’t really get away.
Spouse: Right. Eventually, he gives up and gets really quiet....but it’s an angry quiet. Then I feel terribly guilty, but I still don’t want to engage with him. I’m always afraid he’ll just get angry all over again.
Therapist: What’s it like to hear her describing this experience with you?
Client: It’s painful. But it also makes me kinda mad. I feel like she’s trying to make me the bad guy. I get mad because I can’t get her to talk to me about anything! She tells me I’m always angry even when I’m not. That just makes me angrier!
Therapist: How does that work...getting angrier.
Client: I know... it doesn’t work. I just don’t what else to do.
Therapist: Notice that we started talking about your sex life and have ended up talking about your communication styles and their impact on each other. Do you see this isn’t about sex. It’s about safety and trust.
Client: So what do we do?
Therapist: It seems clear that your spouse doesn’t feel safe. It’s really hard for some people to feel safe around anger.
Client: Oh I know that one. My dad was always getting angry with us about something.
Therapist: And now you’re the one getting angry.
Client: I never thought of it that way. I just feel angry sometimes.
Therapist: There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry. How you communicate that anger is crucial. Do you remember what your father used to do?
Client: Well, he’d yell and chase us around. He had this look! We called it the “Evil Dad Look.” It was scary as hell. We knew that if he caught us we would get it. He would bring out the belt.
Therapist: Do you see the similarity between what your dad did to you and how you express your anger with her?
Client: Well, I never hit her.
Therapist: That’s a good thing! But there’s still anger “flying” around. Right?
Client: I guess so. But she makes me so mad sometimes.
Therapist: I understand. But you have to realize that she can’t MAKE you mad. That’s how you react. You actually learned that from your dad. It scared you as a kid and it scares her now.
Client: Okay. But what about her?
Therapist: She comes next. But you’re first. Anger trumps everything. That may not seem fair, but that is the truth. You need to show her that you can control your temper. That you are in charge of your anger and it’s not going to come out all over her. That creates the safety that she needs to come forward more in the relationship. Do you understand?
Client: I guess if I think about my dad and how I felt it makes sense. I just don’t want to feel like the bad guy.
Therapist: Then don’t. Anger doesn’t make you BAD. It is a signal from inside of you that something isn’t working for you. Learn to pay attention to what isn’t working for you before anger builds up. Anger is a continuum. It starts somewhere at one end as mild annoyance and then moves to frustration and eventually rage. It is easier to manage annoyance. Once you hit rage you’ve probably been emotionally hijacked and there’s no turning back. You probably have complaints that need to be expressed. But expressing those respectfully requires control and skill.
Client: But that’s just it. She doesn’t like it if I complain.
Therapist: Once you’ve spoken “your truth” with respect then it is up to her to respond. That’s about her coming forward. Your complaints aren’t the problem. It’s the anger being expressed. That’s what you have to work on.
Client: I can do that.
Therapist: How does that sound to you?
Spouse: That sounds great. I would be sooo happy if he wasn’t get angry at me all the time.
Therapist: Do you think maybe you’re angry at him?
Spouse: Probably. I just don’t feel it most of the time.
Therapist: Withholding and withdrawing are forms of anger. We call that passive-aggression. It’s aggression that is expressed in passive ways. It is usually a learned response from childhood. Were you around anger as a child?
Spouse: No one ever got angry in my house. Well, occasionally my mom would have a melt down. She would go in her room and slam the door.
Therapist: What did everyone do when she slammed her door?
Spouse: We’d all just go into our own rooms and be by ourselves.
Therapist: So that felt safe?
Spouse: Yeah, it did. I guess that’s what I do now too when he gets angry.
Therapist: Makes sense doesn’t it?
Spouse: It does.
Therapist: Good. Now we are on our way.
The "Do Tell" Hour aka The cocktail Hour
My Parents had a wonderful practice that they followed religiously every day of the week. My dad would come home from the office around 6pm. For the next hour my mom and he would have a cocktail hour. We girls were not invited!
They would visit over cocktails. Mom would be making dinner, Dad would be reading the paper and they would be talking about their days, the news, family stuff and probably some of the latest gossip. At 7pm we would be invited up(we lived in an upside down house) to the table for a family dinner that would often last more than an hour.
I’m not advocating alcohol. But there was great virtue in this time they spent together each evening without the children, the t.v., or other distractions. They actually were making their relationship a priority. Something far too many of us don’t do at all or only rarely.
In my work with couples, I almost always ask if they are spending time together just talking. And it is often answered with a resounding “No. We’re just too busy with the kids. We’re just too busy with work. We’re just too tired at the end of the day. He/She comes home and heads right to the computer. He/She comes home and turns the t.v. on.” etc. etc.
How can we expect our relationships to thrive if we are not spending time together? That just doesn’t make any sense to me. If we’re not talking each day, we get out of touch pretty quickly. This inevitably leads to alienation and isolation. People who feel this way in their relationships often seek connection, affection, sex, conversation and intimacy with other people. This furthers the disconnection and can lead people to the precipice of ending their relationships.
Think for a minute about your best friend(s). Why are you best friends? What makes that relationship satisfying and one you seek out? What causes you to want to be with them? And more importantly, what happens to those friendships that you lose. More often than not it happens because you stop talking. Maybe there is a rift that has developed. Maybe they move. Maybe the circumstances change. Maybe one of you has become too busy. And the friends drift apart. It happens to all of us.
Dr. John Gottman has done some of the most enlightening research on marriages over the past 25 years. One of the important findings is the importance of a strong underlying friendship in the successful and satisfying marriage.
Here’s how I would say it:
Not every great friendship is a romantic relationship. But every great romantic relationship includes a great friendship.
So.......how ‘bout it? Let’s reinstitute the cocktail hour. We could rename it the ~Do Tell Hour~
And we can use it to build our friendship with our mates. It doesn’t matter what the beverage is. Substitute soda or water or juice or tea. But there’s no substitute for this time together.
They would visit over cocktails. Mom would be making dinner, Dad would be reading the paper and they would be talking about their days, the news, family stuff and probably some of the latest gossip. At 7pm we would be invited up(we lived in an upside down house) to the table for a family dinner that would often last more than an hour.
I’m not advocating alcohol. But there was great virtue in this time they spent together each evening without the children, the t.v., or other distractions. They actually were making their relationship a priority. Something far too many of us don’t do at all or only rarely.
In my work with couples, I almost always ask if they are spending time together just talking. And it is often answered with a resounding “No. We’re just too busy with the kids. We’re just too busy with work. We’re just too tired at the end of the day. He/She comes home and heads right to the computer. He/She comes home and turns the t.v. on.” etc. etc.
How can we expect our relationships to thrive if we are not spending time together? That just doesn’t make any sense to me. If we’re not talking each day, we get out of touch pretty quickly. This inevitably leads to alienation and isolation. People who feel this way in their relationships often seek connection, affection, sex, conversation and intimacy with other people. This furthers the disconnection and can lead people to the precipice of ending their relationships.
Think for a minute about your best friend(s). Why are you best friends? What makes that relationship satisfying and one you seek out? What causes you to want to be with them? And more importantly, what happens to those friendships that you lose. More often than not it happens because you stop talking. Maybe there is a rift that has developed. Maybe they move. Maybe the circumstances change. Maybe one of you has become too busy. And the friends drift apart. It happens to all of us.
Dr. John Gottman has done some of the most enlightening research on marriages over the past 25 years. One of the important findings is the importance of a strong underlying friendship in the successful and satisfying marriage.
Here’s how I would say it:
Not every great friendship is a romantic relationship. But every great romantic relationship includes a great friendship.
So.......how ‘bout it? Let’s reinstitute the cocktail hour. We could rename it the ~Do Tell Hour~
And we can use it to build our friendship with our mates. It doesn’t matter what the beverage is. Substitute soda or water or juice or tea. But there’s no substitute for this time together.
