Out Beyond Ideas of
Rightdoing and Wrongdoing
There is a Field
I'll Meet you There
~ Rumi~
The Emotional Divorce
The sun is setting, a chapter is closing, the shadows are long, the marriage is ending. And yet the relationship isn’t.
Even if there are no children to co-parent going forward, the part that you and your mate have played in each other’s lives is not erasable.
There have been good times and bad times. There are moments you will never forget, things that have made you angry and hurt, tears that have been shed, words that have been flung at each other. But there have also been great moments, funny times, laughter and comraderie. The good things are there alongside the unresolvable things that have led you to this decision.
Endings are sometimes necessary. And they are sad. It’s the end of a dream that started when you met ... and then grew into something bigger when you both said “I do.”
So many couples who divorce end up angry and resentful -- sometimes even contemptuous of each other. They continue to fight and belittle each other. They put their children in the middle. They fight over who pays for what and who gets Thanksgiving with the kids. It is a heart-wrenching pulling apart. And underneath it all there is always sadness, hurt, and fear.
When a marriage ends in a contentious divorce people are left dragging around unresolved feelings and unfinished conversations. This emotional baggage continues to pollute their inner life, preventing them from finishing this chapter of their lives. Their emotions are still entwined, so the page is never fully turned. This chapter doesn't have an ending yet. Spouses can split up, divide property up, figure out child custody and still not have written the final paragraph for this chapter in their lives.They haven't yet accomplished what I call the Emotional Divorce. This an arrested state that will negatively influence them for the rest of their lives.
The sun is setting, a chapter is closing, the shadows are long, the marriage is ending. And yet the relationship isn’t.
Even if there are no children to co-parent going forward, the part that you and your mate have played in each other’s lives is not erasable.
There have been good times and bad times. There are moments you will never forget, things that have made you angry and hurt, tears that have been shed, words that have been flung at each other. But there have also been great moments, funny times, laughter and comraderie. The good things are there alongside the unresolvable things that have led you to this decision.
Endings are sometimes necessary. And they are sad. It’s the end of a dream that started when you met ... and then grew into something bigger when you both said “I do.”
So many couples who divorce end up angry and resentful -- sometimes even contemptuous of each other. They continue to fight and belittle each other. They put their children in the middle. They fight over who pays for what and who gets Thanksgiving with the kids. It is a heart-wrenching pulling apart. And underneath it all there is always sadness, hurt, and fear.
When a marriage ends in a contentious divorce people are left dragging around unresolved feelings and unfinished conversations. This emotional baggage continues to pollute their inner life, preventing them from finishing this chapter of their lives. Their emotions are still entwined, so the page is never fully turned. This chapter doesn't have an ending yet. Spouses can split up, divide property up, figure out child custody and still not have written the final paragraph for this chapter in their lives.They haven't yet accomplished what I call the Emotional Divorce. This an arrested state that will negatively influence them for the rest of their lives.
Collaborative Divorce Counseling
Couples need an opportunity to process this ending with each other. But how can they negotiate this kind of conversation? If it didn’t work when they were married, how can it be effective now. And yet it seems to be an important part of leaving the marriage with less anger, guilt, fear, anxiety, and resentment.
The divorcing pair needs to be able to sit with someone who can create a safe space for them -- someone who can facilitate a dialogue between them that allows each person to talk about their experience and be deeply heard. They need to be coached to say these things to each other in non-inflamatory, non-attacking ways. And they need to be invited to listen with curiousity and openness. Blame is sidelined, while each person gets the opportunity to speak of their experience in the marriage.
There needs to be a recounting of the good as well as the bad moments. Both people need to to express their regret, their hurt, their sadness. They need a chance to acknowledge what they will miss about each other and what they won’t. They need a chance to reminisce about the good times. To recount the beginning and speak of what went wrong. They need an arena in which to fully acknowledge their years together and then say goodbye to each other as spouses.
An ending like this is healing and resolving. The relationship can begin to change form now. They can be better co-parents, they can welcome new partners; and perhaps they can even shift into a unique friendship -- one that honors the years they spent as mates with gentleness and forgiveness.
Couples need an opportunity to process this ending with each other. But how can they negotiate this kind of conversation? If it didn’t work when they were married, how can it be effective now. And yet it seems to be an important part of leaving the marriage with less anger, guilt, fear, anxiety, and resentment.
The divorcing pair needs to be able to sit with someone who can create a safe space for them -- someone who can facilitate a dialogue between them that allows each person to talk about their experience and be deeply heard. They need to be coached to say these things to each other in non-inflamatory, non-attacking ways. And they need to be invited to listen with curiousity and openness. Blame is sidelined, while each person gets the opportunity to speak of their experience in the marriage.
There needs to be a recounting of the good as well as the bad moments. Both people need to to express their regret, their hurt, their sadness. They need a chance to acknowledge what they will miss about each other and what they won’t. They need a chance to reminisce about the good times. To recount the beginning and speak of what went wrong. They need an arena in which to fully acknowledge their years together and then say goodbye to each other as spouses.
An ending like this is healing and resolving. The relationship can begin to change form now. They can be better co-parents, they can welcome new partners; and perhaps they can even shift into a unique friendship -- one that honors the years they spent as mates with gentleness and forgiveness.
