Articles:
The Tao of Parenting
The Tao of Soooo
Mugs or Teacups
The Tao of Parenting
My Parenting Philosophy Begins.....
The Tao of Parenting
When I was pregnant the first time, I had a dream so powerful that it informed how I would parent the child about to be born and the three that came along over the next six years. And though I didn’t know it at the time, it was my first teaching in the Tao of Parenting.
Here it is :
I found myself looking down at my newly born baby. I was holding her out in front of me, gently rocking her up and down, completely enrapt with her. I was experiencing this feeling of absolute elation and pride in what I had created. I had this dialogue in my head:
“Look what I made! Look what I did! I made her! She’s Mine. Oh my gosh! Look what I have now.” Underneath the dialogue was this feeling of wanting to make her into the little girl I wanted her to be. I was reveling in my fantasy of how it was going to be as I raised her.
In the next instant, I put her down in front of me and she began growing up before my very eyes. I felt a huge gamut of feelings as I watched My Little Baby shift and change and morph thru her babyhood, toddler-hood, childhood, teenage years, and into her young adulthood. (I have reflected back many times over the years to that gamut of feelings. They were dead-on!) At the end of this morph, there she was standing in front of me, a beautiful young woman. And I didn’t know her at all! She was a stranger to me. I felt alienated from her. A strange air of hostility and disappointment filled my heart. I wanted my baby back! But there was no going back. She had grown into the women she was meant to be all along and it had nothing to do with me; nothing to do with what I wanted her to be. I knew that I had created the alienation and disappointment I was feeling because I had fought with her all through the years trying to get her to do “the right thing” and “become the person I wanted her to be." I wanted to go back and start all over. I wanted to find out who she was from the very beginning.
Then, right there in the dream, I had an epiphany about being her mom. From the beginning I would have a choice: Find out who she is and love this reality unconditionally, or spend my time trying to mold her and push her and make her become the person I thought she should be. I could feel in every cell of my being what each of these different parenting paths would feel like. I could also see clearly the end result of both approaches on my adult relationship with her. There was no doubt in my mind. I didn’t want to end up in the hostility and disappointment. I loved her from the beginning and I wanted to feel close to her when my job as parent was done. End of dream.
That was 30 years ago and I can still feel the imprint of this dream. It saved me from being the “controlling bitch of a mom” I could easily have become. It tempered me. I still had to fight the urge to control my kids over the years of active parenting, but my heart always seemed to find it's way back to the message of this profound dream.
Each person is born with their own unique nature which will continually seek to flow. When blocked, it will eventually find it's way around us. Parents, teachers, authority figures of all kinds can try to stop it’s flow. Sometimes it works, at least for awhile. But there are consequences to the child, and the parents, et al.
Becoming a parent is about expanding beyond our own ideas of who these children are and what is right for them. Imagine what your life would be like if your parents really “saw” you and celebrated you and reflected that back to you. Imagine if they had taught you, and disciplined you, and encouraged you based on that. Of course, not many of us have parents that are that aware: That understand it isn’t their job as parents to dictate who their children are at the core. They are who they are whether we approve or not.
The heart of the Tao has to do with the Flow of things, the perfection of things as they are. The practice of the Tao has to do with finding that flow and accepting it completely. This is the perfect message to us as parents. Our children come to us whole. They are here to experience their own lives - not our life. They will do that no matter what. We are part of their experience in a very big way. But we are confused about what this means. For many of us we are like little beaver parents-creating endless dams. Water is an amazing substance. It will always find ways of flowing, through the smallest crack if necessary. Dams break. Levies break. Eventually, water demands a release. Water is meant to flow because of its nature. So it is with our children from the day they are born. I can look back at each of my four children when they were wee babies and see that they are exactly the same now in their twenties. Their basic temperament, their basic essences-the things that make them utterly unique and utterly who they are-are exactly the same as the day they were born. I’m glad! They are each amazing and utterly fascinating to me. I believe that the closeness in my relationship with each of them is possible because they trust that I love them just the way they are. They have all done some things over the years that have made me cringe,
cry, scream, pray, dance, lecture, hold my breath, grieve, sing, rejoice, beam, hide, brag, and feel proud. Being a parent is not easy! I’ve been deeply impacted by each and most importantly deeply impacted by the experience of parenting them. They’ve helped me find my own Way and Flow. I know more now. And I also know less! But that’s the Tao.
The Tao of Parenting
When I was pregnant the first time, I had a dream so powerful that it informed how I would parent the child about to be born and the three that came along over the next six years. And though I didn’t know it at the time, it was my first teaching in the Tao of Parenting.
Here it is :
I found myself looking down at my newly born baby. I was holding her out in front of me, gently rocking her up and down, completely enrapt with her. I was experiencing this feeling of absolute elation and pride in what I had created. I had this dialogue in my head:
“Look what I made! Look what I did! I made her! She’s Mine. Oh my gosh! Look what I have now.” Underneath the dialogue was this feeling of wanting to make her into the little girl I wanted her to be. I was reveling in my fantasy of how it was going to be as I raised her.
In the next instant, I put her down in front of me and she began growing up before my very eyes. I felt a huge gamut of feelings as I watched My Little Baby shift and change and morph thru her babyhood, toddler-hood, childhood, teenage years, and into her young adulthood. (I have reflected back many times over the years to that gamut of feelings. They were dead-on!) At the end of this morph, there she was standing in front of me, a beautiful young woman. And I didn’t know her at all! She was a stranger to me. I felt alienated from her. A strange air of hostility and disappointment filled my heart. I wanted my baby back! But there was no going back. She had grown into the women she was meant to be all along and it had nothing to do with me; nothing to do with what I wanted her to be. I knew that I had created the alienation and disappointment I was feeling because I had fought with her all through the years trying to get her to do “the right thing” and “become the person I wanted her to be." I wanted to go back and start all over. I wanted to find out who she was from the very beginning.
Then, right there in the dream, I had an epiphany about being her mom. From the beginning I would have a choice: Find out who she is and love this reality unconditionally, or spend my time trying to mold her and push her and make her become the person I thought she should be. I could feel in every cell of my being what each of these different parenting paths would feel like. I could also see clearly the end result of both approaches on my adult relationship with her. There was no doubt in my mind. I didn’t want to end up in the hostility and disappointment. I loved her from the beginning and I wanted to feel close to her when my job as parent was done. End of dream.
That was 30 years ago and I can still feel the imprint of this dream. It saved me from being the “controlling bitch of a mom” I could easily have become. It tempered me. I still had to fight the urge to control my kids over the years of active parenting, but my heart always seemed to find it's way back to the message of this profound dream.
Each person is born with their own unique nature which will continually seek to flow. When blocked, it will eventually find it's way around us. Parents, teachers, authority figures of all kinds can try to stop it’s flow. Sometimes it works, at least for awhile. But there are consequences to the child, and the parents, et al.
Becoming a parent is about expanding beyond our own ideas of who these children are and what is right for them. Imagine what your life would be like if your parents really “saw” you and celebrated you and reflected that back to you. Imagine if they had taught you, and disciplined you, and encouraged you based on that. Of course, not many of us have parents that are that aware: That understand it isn’t their job as parents to dictate who their children are at the core. They are who they are whether we approve or not.
The heart of the Tao has to do with the Flow of things, the perfection of things as they are. The practice of the Tao has to do with finding that flow and accepting it completely. This is the perfect message to us as parents. Our children come to us whole. They are here to experience their own lives - not our life. They will do that no matter what. We are part of their experience in a very big way. But we are confused about what this means. For many of us we are like little beaver parents-creating endless dams. Water is an amazing substance. It will always find ways of flowing, through the smallest crack if necessary. Dams break. Levies break. Eventually, water demands a release. Water is meant to flow because of its nature. So it is with our children from the day they are born. I can look back at each of my four children when they were wee babies and see that they are exactly the same now in their twenties. Their basic temperament, their basic essences-the things that make them utterly unique and utterly who they are-are exactly the same as the day they were born. I’m glad! They are each amazing and utterly fascinating to me. I believe that the closeness in my relationship with each of them is possible because they trust that I love them just the way they are. They have all done some things over the years that have made me cringe,
cry, scream, pray, dance, lecture, hold my breath, grieve, sing, rejoice, beam, hide, brag, and feel proud. Being a parent is not easy! I’ve been deeply impacted by each and most importantly deeply impacted by the experience of parenting them. They’ve helped me find my own Way and Flow. I know more now. And I also know less! But that’s the Tao.
The Tao of Soooooo?
The following dialogue is actually a synthesis of many conversations I have had with parents over the years. It’s about how parents believe that they must do any number of things to make sure their child does school work, continues playing soccer, practices the piano, always says “thank you,” dates the right person, cleans their room, eats their vegetables, takes a shower, talks to their teacher, stops “sagging” his pants, doesn’t wear that tight T-shirt, . . .
As parents we have such good intentions. We want the best for our children. That is almost universally true. And so, we wage war. We become controlling, manipulative, praise- happy, whiny, angry, guilt-provoking people. Who would have “thunk” it? I think what drives us to this madness is a free-floating anxiety that our “darlings” won’t . . . Won’t what? That’s what leads me to share this little therapeutic intervention with you. Hopefully you will enjoy it. Laugh about it and maybe even lighten up a bit. In the end, I usually remind parents, “If you’re the average parent, you are doing a “good-enough” job and your kid is going to turn out just fine.”
Parents: “We just don’t know what to do about John’s homework. He’s gotten a warning that right now he’s got a “D” in math and P.E. For pete’s sake, P.E. Who gets a D in P.E? His teacher says he forgets his P.E. clothes and doesn’t suit up. And math. Geez, we got him a tutor. But he still isn’t turning in his homework. The teacher says he does great on it when he turns it in. I just don’t get it. Doesn’t he care about his grades. What can we do?
Therapist: Well, what have you tried so far?
Parents: We’ve threatened him with no phone. We’ve told him he’s grounded until he brings his D’s up to C’s. We even threatened to take away his computer so he can’t waste time IMing his friends or talking with whoever on “My Space.”
Therapist: And what’s happened?
Parents: Nothing! He seems to try a little harder for awhile and then it goes back to the way it was. We thought things were fine until we got another warning notice from the school.
Therapist: What do you think is going on with him?
Parents: I really don’t know. He seems happy enough. He doesn’t talk to us very much about things. But that started a few years ago. We thought that was pretty normal for his age. Now we are wondering if something has happened that we don’t know about.
Therapist: Like what?
Parents: Maybe, he’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing.
Therapist: Like what?
Parents: Maybe someone has hurt him, you know violated him. Or maybe he’s smoking pot. He’s been hanging out a lot with kids we don’t know very well.
Therapist: Have things changed for him lately? Is he losing weight, or acting stoned, or having trouble sleeping at night?
Parents: No, not really
Therapist: Have you seen any change in his appetite or appearance lately?
Parents: No. I wish he’d keep his room cleaner, . . . but lot’s of parents we know complain about the same thing.
Therapist: Okay, soooooo . . . ? What’s your fear about him getting two D’s?
Parents: Well, if he gets D’s on his report card he’ll have to take the classes over in the summer.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: We don’t think he’s going to want to spend his summer in summer school.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: Well, then he’s going to make our lives miserable.
Therapist: How would he do that?
Parents: He’d be cranky and unpleasant.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: Well we shouldn’t have to pay the price for his D’s.
Therapist: Okay, then don’t.
Parents: What do you expect us to do? Just ignore him?
Therapist: That sounds good.
Parents: That would be impossible.
Therapist: Why?
Parents: Because he has a way of letting us know when he’s mad at us.
Therapist: What does that look like?
Parents: He storms around and tells us to leave him alone.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: We don’t want to allow him to treat us that way.
Therapist: Okay, so what do you do when he does?
Parents: We send him to his room and tell him he needs to stop talking to us that way.
Therapist: Does that work?
Parents: Not really. But we just can’t let him get away with that behavior.
Therapist: Why not?
Parents: Because we wouldn’t be raising him right. We wouldn’t be doing our job as parents.
Therapist: So what Is your job as parents?
Parents: To make sure that he does well so he can live a happy life.
Therapist: What does that look like?
Parents: Well, if he wants to be a doctor he can go to medical school because he has the grades. Whatever he decides to be or do he gets the opportunity because we made sure he did the right things along the way. Doing homework, staying away from drugs, things like that. It also means that he will be able to make a good living and support a family.
Therapist: So according to this stance he will be happy if he gets good grades, stays on the straight and narrow, and succeeds in going to college. That will lead to everything else, like being able to support a family and have enough money. Is that right?
Parents: Yeah! Well, we also want him to be a good person. That’s an important part of being happy and well-balanced.
Therapist: What does being a good person mean?
Parents: That he knows right from wrong, that he’s kind and sensitive, that he cares about people and the world. That he makes a contribution to the world - even if that only means being a good father. That he is the kind of man that people want to know. That he’s dependable and honest. There are probably other things, but that’s what comes to mind right now.
Therapist: And you see all that connected to getting better grades than he is right now?
Parents: Yes.
Therapist: Let me ask you this. Can he be a successful, good, and happy person without getting good grades.?
Parents: Well, I guess so. But it seems to us that the kids who turn out well get good grades and go to college and that kids who don’t, end up doing construction work and struggling to make a living and getting into trouble along the way.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: We don’t want that to happen to our son.
Therapist: What if I said that getting a D in P.E. and math is the perfect thing for him right now.
Parents: We wouldn’t believe you.
Therapist: Why not?
Parents: Because he’s capable of much better than that.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: If we don’t stay on top of this now school could become a real problem.
Therapist: For whom?
Parents: For him. And for us. We want to get it right. We don’t want him to fail. We don’t want him to think he’s only a D student. He isn’t. He’s being lazy and irresponsible and he needs us to help him get past being lazy and start taking responsibility for his grades!
Therapist: Yes. And this is about where we started. Here’s my input: Sometimes getting bad grades is a good thing. Most kids want to do well in school and will find a way to self-correct. However, parents often feel they have to make sure their kid feels as bad as he should about it. So they lay it on good and thick. They lecture, threaten, plead and try to control the kid. They actually end up giving the kid something besides his grades to be upset about. It’s like they provide the distraction so the kid gets to be in a power struggle with them instead of himself. He can focus on his anger at his parents instead of the discomfort he feels about not doing well. In an effort to make the kid take responsibility, these parents actually rob him of the opportunity to take responsibility. The parents are acting as if the bad grades were theirs, not his.
Parents: Are you saying we should do nothing about his D’s?
Therapist: That’s one possibility.
Parents: But what if that doesn’t work?
Therapist: What do you mean “not work?”
Parents: What if he continues to get bad grades. Then what?
Therapist: Then you are at another fork in the road. But that’s the future not the present. Have you considered asking him how he feels about the warnings and the possibility of getting two D’s?
Parents: Sure, but all he say’s is that the P.E. teacher’s stupid and that he’s taking care of math.
Therapist: Good!
Parents: Gooood?! That sounds like a bunch of B.S. to us.
Therapist: It might be. Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: Then he will have gotten away with something.
Therapist: Sooooo?
Parents: Then he’ll think that he can do what ever he wants and we won’t do anything about it.
Therapist: Is that true? You won’t do anything about anything?
Parents: No.
Therapist: Good! There are some things you do have to be involved with. Most of these have to do with safety and health like: taking him to the dentist, setting reasonable curfews, feeding him good food, making sure he knows about the birds and the bees. But, the most important thing you can do for him as he goes through these transitional years is support him emotionally. Don’t assume the worst about him. Trust in his basic human nature and core goodness. And trust that his mistakes are as important to his becoming successful as his triumphs.
Parents: Well, we don’t expect him to be perfect. But what do you mean his mistakes are important?
Therapist: What I mean is that when we make a mistake it doesn’t feel good. By its very nature a mistake has undesirable consequences attached to it. And, therefore it teaches or at least gives us a choice about what to do next time. When the consequence is parents getting mad and punishing the kid, then the kid is going to learn how to avoid upsetting his parents. Or the kid does battle with them. In either case the real consequence fades into the back ground and the learning experience is gone.
Parents: Yes, but it’s hard not to get concerned.
Therapist: Of course. And Sooooo? That’s really your problem. You are parents going through you own hard time, seeing your little boy turning into a young man, not trusting that he is ready to be “launched.” Kids in these years often make their parents really uncomfortable. They start closing their doors, talking or IMing friends constantly, pushing for more freedom, being secretive and sneaky, and sometimes doing things that lead parents to believe that they’re starting to lose control and their kid is going to be one of those “bad teenagers.” It’s scary, and worrisome, and aggravating. Just as scary and worrisome to me, as a therapist, are the “perfect” kids. They buy into the notion that their worth is tied to their achievements and behavior. So they conform at home and at school and often go on conforming in life for many years. They may be perfectly nice people and seem perfectly happy. But many of them end up in my office wondering about their lives and themselves: who they really are, what truly makes them happy, what happens if they’re not perfect, . . . Kids rebelling against parents makes parents miserable. But rebelling helps kids become “individuated.” Taking risks, failing and making mistakes is an incredibly important part of the process. Trust that his mistakes are as important to his becoming successful as his triumphs.
Parents: Are you saying that all of the kids we know who are doing well aren’t going to be happy?
Therapist: No, not at all. There are many factors and variables in every family. These years are big transitions for kids and also for parents. Kids are learning to be out in the world without their parents and parents are learning how to let go and let them be out there not knowing all the details. Some families are temperamentally less reactive. That alone makes the teen years much easier. But let’s come back to you. Let’s imagine for a moment that you said to Johnny, “Gosh, son. Looks like you are struggling with P.E. and Math. Are you okay? Would you like us to help you with the math?” Let’s say he answers, NO. It’s all good. The P.E. teacher is a stupid jerk and I’ve got the math covered.” What if you then said, “Okay. Sorry to hear about the P.E. teacher. I’m sure you’ll figure out the best way to handle that. And we’re glad to hear you’ve got the math handled.”
Parents: Right! I can’t imagine having a conversation like that. And what if we did and then he ended up keeping those D’s on his report card.
Therapist: What if he did?
Parents: Then he’d be doing something wrong, something that could jeopardize his future, limit his possible choices . . . It’s hard getting into a good college.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? Maybe he’ll go to a Junior college first, or maybe he’ll start college when he’s older. Maybe he’ll have good enough grades to go to a state college. Or maybe he’ll get excellent grades, get into Yale and absolutely hate it. That exact thing happened to someone I know. You obviously think college should be important to him. Is that true?
Parents: Absolutely.
Therapist: What if it isn’t?
Parents: Then we don’t know what kind of chance he has of being successful in life.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? It’s his choice to make. He has to want it himself. What if he doesn’t want it right now and so he doesn’t care about school that much. What if he’d be happier in the trades. I know someone who worked throughout college doing plumbing. He graduated as an engineer, got a job and almost immediately quit. He hated sitting in an office all day. He opened a plumbing business and was happy as a clam and made lots of money!
Parents: We just don’t want him to do something now he’ll regret later.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? He should not feel regret?
Parents: We would hate to see that happen to him.
Therapist: Of course. Being a parent has a lot of risk involved. We may want for them what they don’t want for themselves. Then what? Do we keep nagging and pushing them to do what we believe is right for them? Many parents do, and end up with a very conflictual relationship with their kids, or end up with young adults who have no idea what they want to do because they don’t know themselves. There are lots of variations of these two possibilities. But the ideal thing would be for a kid to make mistakes, regret them and then change the outcome the next time.
Parents: Yeah, but in the meantime he could be losing a lot of ground and making things so hard for himself. And if he doesn’t go to college now he may never get the chance.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? Does that mean you haven’t done a good job as parents or that he isn’t a good son?
Parents: Maybe.
Therapist: Or Not. Why are you so afraid for this kid?
Parents: Life is tough. We want him to succeed.
Therapist: Then let him. Right now he’s succeeding at getting two D’s. He will either feel bad about this or not. But if you let him have his own experience about this he’ll be much more likely to learn something about what he wants. Is this making any sense to you?
Parents: Yes. It is. But it is a huge change in thinking for us.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? Parents have to grow up too.
Content copyright 2009-2011. Susan Aiken,LMFT. All rights reserved.
As parents we have such good intentions. We want the best for our children. That is almost universally true. And so, we wage war. We become controlling, manipulative, praise- happy, whiny, angry, guilt-provoking people. Who would have “thunk” it? I think what drives us to this madness is a free-floating anxiety that our “darlings” won’t . . . Won’t what? That’s what leads me to share this little therapeutic intervention with you. Hopefully you will enjoy it. Laugh about it and maybe even lighten up a bit. In the end, I usually remind parents, “If you’re the average parent, you are doing a “good-enough” job and your kid is going to turn out just fine.”
Parents: “We just don’t know what to do about John’s homework. He’s gotten a warning that right now he’s got a “D” in math and P.E. For pete’s sake, P.E. Who gets a D in P.E? His teacher says he forgets his P.E. clothes and doesn’t suit up. And math. Geez, we got him a tutor. But he still isn’t turning in his homework. The teacher says he does great on it when he turns it in. I just don’t get it. Doesn’t he care about his grades. What can we do?
Therapist: Well, what have you tried so far?
Parents: We’ve threatened him with no phone. We’ve told him he’s grounded until he brings his D’s up to C’s. We even threatened to take away his computer so he can’t waste time IMing his friends or talking with whoever on “My Space.”
Therapist: And what’s happened?
Parents: Nothing! He seems to try a little harder for awhile and then it goes back to the way it was. We thought things were fine until we got another warning notice from the school.
Therapist: What do you think is going on with him?
Parents: I really don’t know. He seems happy enough. He doesn’t talk to us very much about things. But that started a few years ago. We thought that was pretty normal for his age. Now we are wondering if something has happened that we don’t know about.
Therapist: Like what?
Parents: Maybe, he’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing.
Therapist: Like what?
Parents: Maybe someone has hurt him, you know violated him. Or maybe he’s smoking pot. He’s been hanging out a lot with kids we don’t know very well.
Therapist: Have things changed for him lately? Is he losing weight, or acting stoned, or having trouble sleeping at night?
Parents: No, not really
Therapist: Have you seen any change in his appetite or appearance lately?
Parents: No. I wish he’d keep his room cleaner, . . . but lot’s of parents we know complain about the same thing.
Therapist: Okay, soooooo . . . ? What’s your fear about him getting two D’s?
Parents: Well, if he gets D’s on his report card he’ll have to take the classes over in the summer.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: We don’t think he’s going to want to spend his summer in summer school.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: Well, then he’s going to make our lives miserable.
Therapist: How would he do that?
Parents: He’d be cranky and unpleasant.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: Well we shouldn’t have to pay the price for his D’s.
Therapist: Okay, then don’t.
Parents: What do you expect us to do? Just ignore him?
Therapist: That sounds good.
Parents: That would be impossible.
Therapist: Why?
Parents: Because he has a way of letting us know when he’s mad at us.
Therapist: What does that look like?
Parents: He storms around and tells us to leave him alone.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: We don’t want to allow him to treat us that way.
Therapist: Okay, so what do you do when he does?
Parents: We send him to his room and tell him he needs to stop talking to us that way.
Therapist: Does that work?
Parents: Not really. But we just can’t let him get away with that behavior.
Therapist: Why not?
Parents: Because we wouldn’t be raising him right. We wouldn’t be doing our job as parents.
Therapist: So what Is your job as parents?
Parents: To make sure that he does well so he can live a happy life.
Therapist: What does that look like?
Parents: Well, if he wants to be a doctor he can go to medical school because he has the grades. Whatever he decides to be or do he gets the opportunity because we made sure he did the right things along the way. Doing homework, staying away from drugs, things like that. It also means that he will be able to make a good living and support a family.
Therapist: So according to this stance he will be happy if he gets good grades, stays on the straight and narrow, and succeeds in going to college. That will lead to everything else, like being able to support a family and have enough money. Is that right?
Parents: Yeah! Well, we also want him to be a good person. That’s an important part of being happy and well-balanced.
Therapist: What does being a good person mean?
Parents: That he knows right from wrong, that he’s kind and sensitive, that he cares about people and the world. That he makes a contribution to the world - even if that only means being a good father. That he is the kind of man that people want to know. That he’s dependable and honest. There are probably other things, but that’s what comes to mind right now.
Therapist: And you see all that connected to getting better grades than he is right now?
Parents: Yes.
Therapist: Let me ask you this. Can he be a successful, good, and happy person without getting good grades.?
Parents: Well, I guess so. But it seems to us that the kids who turn out well get good grades and go to college and that kids who don’t, end up doing construction work and struggling to make a living and getting into trouble along the way.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: We don’t want that to happen to our son.
Therapist: What if I said that getting a D in P.E. and math is the perfect thing for him right now.
Parents: We wouldn’t believe you.
Therapist: Why not?
Parents: Because he’s capable of much better than that.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: If we don’t stay on top of this now school could become a real problem.
Therapist: For whom?
Parents: For him. And for us. We want to get it right. We don’t want him to fail. We don’t want him to think he’s only a D student. He isn’t. He’s being lazy and irresponsible and he needs us to help him get past being lazy and start taking responsibility for his grades!
Therapist: Yes. And this is about where we started. Here’s my input: Sometimes getting bad grades is a good thing. Most kids want to do well in school and will find a way to self-correct. However, parents often feel they have to make sure their kid feels as bad as he should about it. So they lay it on good and thick. They lecture, threaten, plead and try to control the kid. They actually end up giving the kid something besides his grades to be upset about. It’s like they provide the distraction so the kid gets to be in a power struggle with them instead of himself. He can focus on his anger at his parents instead of the discomfort he feels about not doing well. In an effort to make the kid take responsibility, these parents actually rob him of the opportunity to take responsibility. The parents are acting as if the bad grades were theirs, not his.
Parents: Are you saying we should do nothing about his D’s?
Therapist: That’s one possibility.
Parents: But what if that doesn’t work?
Therapist: What do you mean “not work?”
Parents: What if he continues to get bad grades. Then what?
Therapist: Then you are at another fork in the road. But that’s the future not the present. Have you considered asking him how he feels about the warnings and the possibility of getting two D’s?
Parents: Sure, but all he say’s is that the P.E. teacher’s stupid and that he’s taking care of math.
Therapist: Good!
Parents: Gooood?! That sounds like a bunch of B.S. to us.
Therapist: It might be. Soooooo. . . ?
Parents: Then he will have gotten away with something.
Therapist: Sooooo?
Parents: Then he’ll think that he can do what ever he wants and we won’t do anything about it.
Therapist: Is that true? You won’t do anything about anything?
Parents: No.
Therapist: Good! There are some things you do have to be involved with. Most of these have to do with safety and health like: taking him to the dentist, setting reasonable curfews, feeding him good food, making sure he knows about the birds and the bees. But, the most important thing you can do for him as he goes through these transitional years is support him emotionally. Don’t assume the worst about him. Trust in his basic human nature and core goodness. And trust that his mistakes are as important to his becoming successful as his triumphs.
Parents: Well, we don’t expect him to be perfect. But what do you mean his mistakes are important?
Therapist: What I mean is that when we make a mistake it doesn’t feel good. By its very nature a mistake has undesirable consequences attached to it. And, therefore it teaches or at least gives us a choice about what to do next time. When the consequence is parents getting mad and punishing the kid, then the kid is going to learn how to avoid upsetting his parents. Or the kid does battle with them. In either case the real consequence fades into the back ground and the learning experience is gone.
Parents: Yes, but it’s hard not to get concerned.
Therapist: Of course. And Sooooo? That’s really your problem. You are parents going through you own hard time, seeing your little boy turning into a young man, not trusting that he is ready to be “launched.” Kids in these years often make their parents really uncomfortable. They start closing their doors, talking or IMing friends constantly, pushing for more freedom, being secretive and sneaky, and sometimes doing things that lead parents to believe that they’re starting to lose control and their kid is going to be one of those “bad teenagers.” It’s scary, and worrisome, and aggravating. Just as scary and worrisome to me, as a therapist, are the “perfect” kids. They buy into the notion that their worth is tied to their achievements and behavior. So they conform at home and at school and often go on conforming in life for many years. They may be perfectly nice people and seem perfectly happy. But many of them end up in my office wondering about their lives and themselves: who they really are, what truly makes them happy, what happens if they’re not perfect, . . . Kids rebelling against parents makes parents miserable. But rebelling helps kids become “individuated.” Taking risks, failing and making mistakes is an incredibly important part of the process. Trust that his mistakes are as important to his becoming successful as his triumphs.
Parents: Are you saying that all of the kids we know who are doing well aren’t going to be happy?
Therapist: No, not at all. There are many factors and variables in every family. These years are big transitions for kids and also for parents. Kids are learning to be out in the world without their parents and parents are learning how to let go and let them be out there not knowing all the details. Some families are temperamentally less reactive. That alone makes the teen years much easier. But let’s come back to you. Let’s imagine for a moment that you said to Johnny, “Gosh, son. Looks like you are struggling with P.E. and Math. Are you okay? Would you like us to help you with the math?” Let’s say he answers, NO. It’s all good. The P.E. teacher is a stupid jerk and I’ve got the math covered.” What if you then said, “Okay. Sorry to hear about the P.E. teacher. I’m sure you’ll figure out the best way to handle that. And we’re glad to hear you’ve got the math handled.”
Parents: Right! I can’t imagine having a conversation like that. And what if we did and then he ended up keeping those D’s on his report card.
Therapist: What if he did?
Parents: Then he’d be doing something wrong, something that could jeopardize his future, limit his possible choices . . . It’s hard getting into a good college.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? Maybe he’ll go to a Junior college first, or maybe he’ll start college when he’s older. Maybe he’ll have good enough grades to go to a state college. Or maybe he’ll get excellent grades, get into Yale and absolutely hate it. That exact thing happened to someone I know. You obviously think college should be important to him. Is that true?
Parents: Absolutely.
Therapist: What if it isn’t?
Parents: Then we don’t know what kind of chance he has of being successful in life.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? It’s his choice to make. He has to want it himself. What if he doesn’t want it right now and so he doesn’t care about school that much. What if he’d be happier in the trades. I know someone who worked throughout college doing plumbing. He graduated as an engineer, got a job and almost immediately quit. He hated sitting in an office all day. He opened a plumbing business and was happy as a clam and made lots of money!
Parents: We just don’t want him to do something now he’ll regret later.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? He should not feel regret?
Parents: We would hate to see that happen to him.
Therapist: Of course. Being a parent has a lot of risk involved. We may want for them what they don’t want for themselves. Then what? Do we keep nagging and pushing them to do what we believe is right for them? Many parents do, and end up with a very conflictual relationship with their kids, or end up with young adults who have no idea what they want to do because they don’t know themselves. There are lots of variations of these two possibilities. But the ideal thing would be for a kid to make mistakes, regret them and then change the outcome the next time.
Parents: Yeah, but in the meantime he could be losing a lot of ground and making things so hard for himself. And if he doesn’t go to college now he may never get the chance.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? Does that mean you haven’t done a good job as parents or that he isn’t a good son?
Parents: Maybe.
Therapist: Or Not. Why are you so afraid for this kid?
Parents: Life is tough. We want him to succeed.
Therapist: Then let him. Right now he’s succeeding at getting two D’s. He will either feel bad about this or not. But if you let him have his own experience about this he’ll be much more likely to learn something about what he wants. Is this making any sense to you?
Parents: Yes. It is. But it is a huge change in thinking for us.
Therapist: Soooooo. . . ? Parents have to grow up too.
Content copyright 2009-2011. Susan Aiken,LMFT. All rights reserved.
Teacups or Mugs
How do kids become competent adults. I’m afraid that parents believe their kids become competent by example. While this is true with some values and traits, it does not hold for learning that you are a competent human being. Here’s what I mean by competent: You know you can handle life and it’s attending stressors. You know you can figure it out; find solutions and deal with your feelings along the way.
Children cannot learn this if they are coddled, protected, and rescued from consequences. Parents have developed an overly sympathetic response to their children’s lives. What happens to their child happens to them too. First of all, adults have already had a childhood. Second, their children are entitled to have their own childhood. In fact, childhood is the place where they prepare to meet their adult lives. It is the training ground, the preparatory school, for learning how to be adults.
What do adults have to do?
Take responsibility for themselves!
Earn a living
Pay taxes
Deal with relationships
Parent children
Work effectively
Respond to crises
Take care of their bills
Vote (hopefully)
Stay healthy
Register their cars
Renew their drivers license
Budget
Handle crises
Do laundry
Grocery shop
Take car of their house/apartment etc
Make ten trillion decisions
Deal with death and loss
Do we really think that we can protect kids from stress and consequences in their childhood and then dump them out into adulthood with the expectation that they will be competent adults. They won’t. In fact, it will take them much longer to figure it out and the price tags will be much higher: failed relationships, lost jobs, and other consequences of irresponsible behavior.
Todays middle and upper class families are predominantly child-centered with a majority of the family resources - time and money - being spent on the children. Children are the center of the family’s universe. They leave home with the expectation that they are still the center of the universe. What a huge disservice to them!
Kids entering college today are being labelled as “teacups” and “crispies” by college deans. Teacups because they break at the first signs of stress. Crispies because they arrive already burned out from working so hard in school.
I love the imagery of “teacup.” I can hear the china cup rattling on it’s saucer.....delicate and fragile. Exactly what we don’t want our children to be. So how do we create “mugs” instead of teacups?
A story:
When I was about 3 yrs. old my mother taught me how to swing. We had a swing set in our backyard and every day after lunch and before my nap, we would go out there and practice. Do you remember the feeling? For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do. What? Move my legs....how? Push my self forward too? Nothing! Dangling legs. Gently swaying swing. It was HARD! What was I supposed to push against? The air? I couldn’t even see air. But Mom believed I could do it. And she kept at it....encouraging me to keep trying. I can still feel the power of that first moment when I actually got that swing to move. Just a little at first. And then A LOT. And really high. It was scary! And exhilarating. Mom just kept on encouraging me. She didn’t looked scared about what I was doing.....how high I was flying. In fact, she was beaming! So I put aside my fears and kept going too. I had to learn how to slow down and stop. And I fell off more than once. But I learned. And then when I got the basics down, Mom taught me how to jump off the swing mid-air. At first I thought she was crazy! But then she showed me how and encouraged me to try it. Face down in the sand, Mom helping and smiling as I was dusted off. Then again and again until I had it down pat. Wow! I was bursting with pride in myself. I was power. I was magic. I could SWING and JUMP. And I didn’t break.
So many good things happen when children are allowed to play and experiment with the world around them without a parent hovering over them trying to protect from them from everything that might cause pain.
Parents, here’s the reality. Your children are leaving you. It started when they left the safety and warmth of the womb. And it isn’t going to stop until they are young adults launched into their own lives. They won’t have you there - I HOPE - to clean up their messes or put Band-Aids on their Boo-Boos! We never stop caring or worrying about our children. But what they really need from us is a vote of confidence. Confidence that they can handle whatever comes their way. And life will throw things at them. It’s inevitable. It’s life after all with all it’s positives and negatives. It’s okay. It’s meant to be this way. Have faith. The worst might happen. It probably won’t. But even if it does, you will survive......unless you’re a “teacup.”
Children cannot learn this if they are coddled, protected, and rescued from consequences. Parents have developed an overly sympathetic response to their children’s lives. What happens to their child happens to them too. First of all, adults have already had a childhood. Second, their children are entitled to have their own childhood. In fact, childhood is the place where they prepare to meet their adult lives. It is the training ground, the preparatory school, for learning how to be adults.
What do adults have to do?
Take responsibility for themselves!
Earn a living
Pay taxes
Deal with relationships
Parent children
Work effectively
Respond to crises
Take care of their bills
Vote (hopefully)
Stay healthy
Register their cars
Renew their drivers license
Budget
Handle crises
Do laundry
Grocery shop
Take car of their house/apartment etc
Make ten trillion decisions
Deal with death and loss
Do we really think that we can protect kids from stress and consequences in their childhood and then dump them out into adulthood with the expectation that they will be competent adults. They won’t. In fact, it will take them much longer to figure it out and the price tags will be much higher: failed relationships, lost jobs, and other consequences of irresponsible behavior.
Todays middle and upper class families are predominantly child-centered with a majority of the family resources - time and money - being spent on the children. Children are the center of the family’s universe. They leave home with the expectation that they are still the center of the universe. What a huge disservice to them!
Kids entering college today are being labelled as “teacups” and “crispies” by college deans. Teacups because they break at the first signs of stress. Crispies because they arrive already burned out from working so hard in school.
I love the imagery of “teacup.” I can hear the china cup rattling on it’s saucer.....delicate and fragile. Exactly what we don’t want our children to be. So how do we create “mugs” instead of teacups?
A story:
When I was about 3 yrs. old my mother taught me how to swing. We had a swing set in our backyard and every day after lunch and before my nap, we would go out there and practice. Do you remember the feeling? For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do. What? Move my legs....how? Push my self forward too? Nothing! Dangling legs. Gently swaying swing. It was HARD! What was I supposed to push against? The air? I couldn’t even see air. But Mom believed I could do it. And she kept at it....encouraging me to keep trying. I can still feel the power of that first moment when I actually got that swing to move. Just a little at first. And then A LOT. And really high. It was scary! And exhilarating. Mom just kept on encouraging me. She didn’t looked scared about what I was doing.....how high I was flying. In fact, she was beaming! So I put aside my fears and kept going too. I had to learn how to slow down and stop. And I fell off more than once. But I learned. And then when I got the basics down, Mom taught me how to jump off the swing mid-air. At first I thought she was crazy! But then she showed me how and encouraged me to try it. Face down in the sand, Mom helping and smiling as I was dusted off. Then again and again until I had it down pat. Wow! I was bursting with pride in myself. I was power. I was magic. I could SWING and JUMP. And I didn’t break.
So many good things happen when children are allowed to play and experiment with the world around them without a parent hovering over them trying to protect from them from everything that might cause pain.
Parents, here’s the reality. Your children are leaving you. It started when they left the safety and warmth of the womb. And it isn’t going to stop until they are young adults launched into their own lives. They won’t have you there - I HOPE - to clean up their messes or put Band-Aids on their Boo-Boos! We never stop caring or worrying about our children. But what they really need from us is a vote of confidence. Confidence that they can handle whatever comes their way. And life will throw things at them. It’s inevitable. It’s life after all with all it’s positives and negatives. It’s okay. It’s meant to be this way. Have faith. The worst might happen. It probably won’t. But even if it does, you will survive......unless you’re a “teacup.”